But still there is something to be learned and valued from these relationships.  Like, the way they give up being right for the sake of the relationship. Like the way that they really accept each other’s flaws. True these flaws are made fun of but they are fundamentally accepted.  It’s the way they forgive and the way the don’t take things personally.  They don’t store up past resentments and like a fresh episode, they treat problems, not from a lens from the past, but in the present.

It got me thinking – what if we couples followed the sitcom script? What if resolved arguments in 30 minutes or less?  What if we didn’t hold onto past hurts and remembered that love and partnership are more important than being right? What if we gave each other the benefit of the doubt? What if we used good humor to reconnect?

Perhaps we just need to rewrite the scripts for our relationships. Instead, too often our scripts read more like this: Be right, stay mad, don’t give in or validate the other’s perspective, and, by all means, do not laugh or accept your partner’s attempts to reconnect when you’re upset.   If  we can choose, and I really do believe we can choose, I say let’s all rewrite our relationships so that when the credits roll, there’s a happy ending.

 If I really looked at the times when I start to feel like my relationship is fatally flawed over one irritable interaction, I notice that I’m more likely to feel that way when we’re disconnected or when we’re stressed about other things. It would be times when we haven’t seen each other much or when we’re distracted with the stresses of money or feeling like there’s not enough time to get things done. I’m amazed at the difference when I’m relaxed and happy. Those negative interpretations just don’t happen even if a negative interaction shows up.

Consider that feelings aren’t necessarily an accurate depiction of the reality of your relationship. Feelings come and go and interpretations of your interactions are dependent on the context from which you’re coming from, i.e. are you happy or stressed in that moment?

 So. What’s my point? Before you let yourself go into a negative spin about your spouse or your relationship as a whole, check yourself. Do you just need to eat? Are your finances bothering you? Do wish your kids could go live with in Alaska for a few days? Is it time to go out on a date together to just reconnect? If the answer is yes, deal with those things (okay, maybe don’t send the kids to Alaska).

Take a deep breath and push the pause button on that negative spin.

 But as we moved around the rink together, I felt a surge of love for him, for us. Our experiences that night reminded me so much of our relationship as a whole. Marriage really. It’s wobbly at times, scary, exhilarating, joyful and a little exhausting too. When we got tired, we rested. We poked fun at each other. We winced when one of us fell and helped each other up.

 And we laughed and laughed.

 I’ve been reading about the importance of play lately and what it means for our brains and our social and emotional development. Play is about exploring the world, testing the expanses of it and ourselves. It’s joyful and freeing. Playful experiences in relationships serve to insulate couples from those inevitable stressful times when life isn’t much fun. It gives us a chance to relax and be childlike together. It builds up the positive experiences to help offset the negative ones.

 So, go roller skating or disco dancing or sledding together. Do whatever it is that makes you play like you did as a child. Laugh. Live. Your relationship will thank you.

One of the things couples struggle with is how intense their arguments get and what to do with anger. It really takes effort and presence of mind to take a time out before speaking in anger. And, the truth is, sometimes we really want to yell back or say mean things because it just feels good to “get it out” or hurt the other person back. But, repeated heated arguments really has an impact on your loving relationship. So, what do you do instead?

The other day my husband and I were discussing what needed to be done with the yard. In an effort to be direct with me I suppose, he said something about being frustrated with my work effort.   His words really made me mad.  It was the kind of anger that bubbled up so quickly, it surprised me. I had the presence of mind to tell him I needed a timeout before finishing the conversation.

During my “cool down,” I allowed myself to feel angry and hurt by his words. A flood of spiteful “come backs” popped in my head– words I could fling back at him as payback for my wound.  I evaluated his point; I evaluated my perspective. I argued with him (in my head) about how he was wrong and I was right.

Then I took a deep breath.

I began to do the following:

1) I identified the source of my anger and what I was feeling and thinking before he made the comment [this was important to understand the state I was in to react that way].

2) I found the place in my head and heart that knew where he was coming from, even if I didn’t fully agree.

2) I acknowledged that we both had valid points of view; that neither of us were wrong or right [this comes from my overall commitment to my marriage and respect for my husband].

3) I realized that neither his point of view nor my point of view had anything to do with solving the problem. I identified what it would take to solve the problem and just took responsibility for taking action [in this case it was doing my part of the yard work that I said I would do].

After going through this thought process, my anger disappeared and I had power back. And, it had nothing to do with agreeing with him. In fact, I still thought he was just plain wrong for what he said. But our differing points of view didn’t  have to stop us from reconnecting or prevent us from solving the problem.

So, remember – Take a deep breath, allow yourself to move towards what works and release getting caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong.

I know- to some of you, this sounds great.  But, to me, as someone who has always struggled with consistent, rigorous physical exercise, it was quite a feat.  Yet, it got me thinking a whole lot about motivation and what’s got me committed.  For you, it may not be exercise you’re struggling with, but maybe it’s eating healthy, trying to find balance at work, finishing school, starting a new business or changing careers.   Good questions to ask yourself are: where do you get stopped?  And, what keeps you going?

I started to think about my life lately and what I’m committed to.  I realize so much of being able to fulfill on my commitments is : 1) finding a way to get support,  2) setting up a structure for fulfilling on my commitments and 3) seeing my commitments as part of something bigger than myself.  See, for bootcamp, my success so far is because I have set up accountability checkins with friends (support), going to bed early and eating well (structure) and really getting that I am a part of something bigger- a group effort to get more fit as well as being the healthiest I can be for not only myself but for my husband and family.  This last thing really is the reason I keep getting up even when I don’t want to.

So, when you start evaluating the areas in your life you want to improve, ask yourself first — why am I doing this? Make it bigger than just about you.  Then set up the structure and support for fulfilling on your commitment.  It won’t be perfect (no, I haven’t gone to bootcamp every time), but you will be amazed at how much more effective you are at living the life you want.

The truth is that none of us really know the answer to either question. It really comes down to what you truly want. And, if you really want it, are committed to it and put actions behind that commitment, then you’re more likely to get it – whatever the outcome you choose. It’s just the way it usually works.

I can already hear the “buts.” But, what if we want two different things? But, what if he’s an alcoholic? But, what if she cheated? But,

what if things just don’t change? But, what if only one person wants to work on it?  With the exceptions of only one person

really wanting to work on it (because then it’s really no longer a relationship) and extreme cases (see below),  all of these “buts” come down to choosing, committing and acting.  There are couples (in fact most) who recover from infidelity. There are couples who cope with alcoholism. There are couples who find ways to cope with wanting different things. It goes on and on. These couples are more committed to staying together than staying apart.  It doesn’t mean they are “better” or more moral (at least in my view). It just means staying together is what they’re committed to.

Having said that, perhaps some general guidelines might be helpful about when it really might be time to end your relationship.

1. Ongoing physical, verbal or emotional abuse

2. Untreated or extreme substance abuse or mental illness

3. Declining health as a result of repeated conflict

4. You just stop wanting to be in this relationship and are more committed to having a different life or partner.

Really? That’s it? And, what about number 4 anyway? Don’t we all want out of our marriage sometimes? Yes, but what I mean is making a genuine shift in your commitment to having a different life and partner; not just random transient feelings that come up when you’re irritated with your partner or are struggling with your own personal issues.

It can be a painful, confusing time when you’re evaluating whether you should really end your relationship. The only way I know out of the confusion is to stand in your choice and let your actions follow. It’ may not easy but it is that simple.

]]> http://karenwholland.wordpress.com/2009/07/01/when-should-we-move-on/feed/ 0 karenwholland J0178820 http://karenwholland.wordpress.com/2009/06/01/is-this-marriage-really-worth-saving/ http://karenwholland.wordpress.com/2009/06/01/is-this-marriage-really-worth-saving/#comments Mon, 01 Jun 2009 18:47:46 +0000 karenwholland http://karenwholland.wordpress.com/?p=10 ]]> I’ve been thinking a lot lately about marriages and what makes them worth saving.  A lot of you might be reading this post because you’re struggling in some way with your own marriage or relationship.  And, you might have asked yourself the same question.

You may be wondering if there’s too much “water under the bridge” or if there’s too much emotional distance to fight for your marriage.  Maybe you just can’t do one more argument in front of the kids or maybe you’re just plain tired – tired of the arguing, the stress, the resentment and lack of trust.  You might be thinking you’re just not compatible or that someone else out there will give you the love you want.  When you come from this point of view, it certainly seems like divorce is the best option, and in some situations, it really is the right choice. 

But consider coming from another point of view.  Consider for a moment that once upon a time you really did love each other.  You may remember the time when you used to laugh together or just stare into each other’s eyes.  Consider what you always wanted for your life and that likely it included growing old with the one you married.  Consider that most of us have no idea when we get married what it really takes to keep a marriage together, nor how to really love each other.  I’m referring to deep love—the kind of love that compels you to listen to each other, the love that drives you to champion each other’s dreams and to forgive easily and take personal responsibility.  In the process of growing up and becoming more evolved as a human being, learning how to really love and be loved by someone is at the heart of it.  Sometimes we just need a little guidance in how to do it.   

The truth is for most people, we carry our baggage from relationship to relationship.  There’s no guarantee that getting a divorce now will prevent you from having another failed relationship in the future.  Most people who want out of their marriage just can’t stand the pain anymore.  But what if getting out of the marriage is not the key to ending suffering? What if the way to personal fulfillment is really getting in your marriage?  What if you could rediscover each other? What if you really did learn how to communicate? What if you could let go of the past and recreate your future together? 

Would it be worth saving then?

I invited my husband on a walk the other morning and suddenly I’m feeling hungry, weak and just wanting peace and quiet. He, on the other hand, seems to have boundless energy and wants to actively discuss the pros and cons of the recent economic bail out.

Me [in my head]: Uh oh. I don’t feel so well. I should have eaten before we left. Why is he walking so fast? He sure is talking a lot. I’m feeling a little irritable. I should tell him I’m not feeling good. But wait, he hates when I complain.  I should just stick it out. We haven’t had much time together lately. He said it’s important to him to have intellectual conversations with me…

Him: Okay – did you get that?

Me: Uh…yeah.. [half-hearted attempt to reflect on what he just said] Ugh. I don’t feel good. I just want it quiet. I don’t care what he’s talking about. But, he’ll just be hurt if I tell him I want to walk quietly.  I’m trying to be better at listening to him… 

Him: Uh…okay, but what I meant was this [blah, blah, blah]. Are you listening?

Me: [frustrated and sharper than I intended] Argh! I just don’t want to work that hard this morning!

Him: Sigh [clearly hurt and walking in silence the rest of the way home].

Me: Sigh [feeling guilty and frustrated].

Later when we processed this mishap, my husband said, “Well why didn’t you just tell me you weren’t feeling good and didn’t want to talk? Then I would have understood why I had to keep repeating myself! “

So many times in our relationships we create whole arguments in our heads without ever giving our partners the benefit of the doubt. We base these made up arguments on history and say to ourselves -”but that’s what he always says!”, “That’s what she always does!” When we allow the past to dictate our present and future, we limit the possibility of some other outcome. In this case, had I been honest, my husband might have been slightly disappointed but he would have been able to enjoy a pleasant, quiet walk with me anyway. And, who knows, maybe after some peace and quiet for a few blocks, I would have gathered the energy to tackle the economic crisis!

Either way, when we share ourselves directly and honestly, without past experiences dictating these moments, we open ourselves up to new possibilities. This includes the possibilities of true connection, deep love and boundless understanding for each other’s frailties.

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